Monday monday ..

Well, I just got back from the dr - I go every other Monday so this is a fairly common ritual in my life right now. Everything is fine but it is finally hitting me ... I AM PREGNANT! I guess I have kind of ignored it up 'till now - I "knew" it but I wasn't really participatory in that knowledge. Now I did all I was supposed to do (took vitamins, ate right, exercised some (but that has dwindled in the last few weeks - too hot, tired, Garrett sick, traveling some , etc etc etc), not drinking, etc) but I wasn't really accepting of the fact that I am pregnant. In fact watching my clothes not fit well over the past week was really unsettling to me and that's when it hit me --- this is SUPPOSED to be happening at 15 weeks (will be 16 on Wednesday) you goofball because you are PREGNANT. The weight gain is normal, the getting bigger is normal, and all of the other pregnancy-related stuff ... NORMAL because you are pregnant. So ... I have decided that today I have to dig out my maternity stuff (at least I have held off wearing maternity stuff until right at 16 weeks - not bad for a 3rd pregnancy) and start wearing it.

My next appointment, in 2 weeks, is with the geneticist and I will most likely find out the gender of this child. Kevin thinks it's a girl - I am still pretty unsure. That's odd for me as I KNEW what both of my others were. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a girl and would be a little more surprised if it's a boy (so I guess maybe I do have a feeling) but either way - healthy and alive is all I am asking for. That and maybe a double dose of energy to raise them at 18 months apart - I am starting to get a little concerned about that. I mean seriously, I will be 39 right after this one is born and I will have 2 babies 18 months apart - I think I'm probably heading for a serious caffeine habit. I do have Garrett registered to go to a MOther's Morning out 2 mornings a week starting in September at a methodist church near here - they came pretty highly recommended. So at least I'll have 2 mornings a week with only 1 to manage.

On another note I have to say that the funding for this program for Garrett comes at the end of much prayer, and a very generous gift from my family. We couldn't afford it (one income living doesn't leave much wiggle room) and I was praying very hard about it. I felt it was probably the best solution for both Garrett and myself, but our budget just didn't have room for it so I was resigned that it wasn't to be. Then out of the blue my parents gave us this very generous gift and it will totally cover the cost of his tuition. I was completely overcome when they gave it to us. I ahve told them how appreciative we are - I hope they know.

We (garrett and I) went to Atlanta last week and for the most part it was great. We celebrated daddy's birthday (he's 59 this year) and saw brother and Amy. We also got to go to their house and see them - it's cute and will be perfect for a family. They are a very happy and peaceful couple - it's good to see and be near them. The only downside of the trip was taht Garrett got pretty sick on Wednesday (vomiting and fever) so we stayed an extra day and just worked on getting him better. He seems to be getting back to himself finally and this is the first day that eating hasn't been a struggle. The upshot to his sickness is taht I got to spend another day with mom and dad - I love seeing them with Garrett. They are great grandparents!

Well, I'm off here. Maybe a quick nap before my sunshine wakes ...

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A new week ..

Well, today is daddy's birthday so Garrett and I are off to Atlanta soon. We are spending a few days there so we can visit with family and see my brother's new house. He and Amy called me very excited on Saturday night - they finally had everything in the house. This is a very exciting time for him and Amy and I am so happy for the two of them.

Mom and I will probably go shopping for Amy's baby shower. It is in a few weeks and I want to see some of the things that she is registered for so I can get her something nice. I typically tend toward some good board books and something off the registry - I just LOVE giving books to kids. To me reading is such an important thing and the love of it will carry a person very far in life. I read to Garrett several times a day and have books around for him all of the time, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see him go to a book and sit and flip through it - now at only 1 one year I have no thoughts that he is reading but he enjoys looking at the pictures of the stories we read daily.

On another note I am struggling with how to deal with something that has come up recently. I have several friends in not so good marriages - one just told me that her's is actually ending soon. The marriage that is ending isn't a surprise as it has been bad for years (didn't get bad until she became accidently pregnant and couldn't "party" with him the way she had for years - she did the necessary growing up for the baby and he hasn't). Both have complained about their situations off and on for quite some time and I feel for both of them. My quandry is this - how do I respond (not that I feel that I should give answers but a response is typically called for) as I know that they both married men that they didn't know very well and they thought were "fun", while I married a man I liked, respected, loved and could see raising a family with and have worked very hard to maintain a good marriage with? I have been told by one they have always thought Kevin a little stuffy/stodgy, and while he isn't the life-of-the-party personality he certainly is neither stuffy nor stodgy (he's shy and warms slowly). I have tried to stay on the path that just encourages them to pray about it and to follow the leading of our Father - that's all I can think of to say. I will admit that a small (and petty) part of me wants to do the na-na-boo-boo thing and point out that they both married men that are children because they were fun to date, and now that life dictates that they be more responsible it is a problem ... but that would accomplish NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING (I wouldn't even feel good if I did that nasty little thing)! I hate that these old friends of mine are going through these different, but still difficult, times and I want to be a blessing to them but find I can't relate to their experiences and have a hard time knowing how to respond.

OOhh well ... gotta run. Gotta get the rest of our stuff in the car and us on the road.

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July 20th

Wow ... I could just stay in bed all day. Not really tired but have NO energy at all. I know it is just sadness from missing Jeryd and I am muddling through it. It really does help that I have this wonderful, vibrant little boy to play with all day. He has been pretty snuggly today - wanting me to hold him and read to him and that is just fine with me. As a surprise KP brought home lunch, some flowers and a butterfly balloon for me (butterfly's are our symbol for Jeryd - right after he died our yard was flooded with small pale butterflys and they stayed for the remainder of the summer). He is so thoughtful - he didn't mention it as we both know good and well what today is but just the same he wanted to do something little for me.

I know I am very blessed in my life with a great marriage to a man I really love, with a wonderful little boy, great family and friends and a nice home. And I know it was a blessing to know my son for the brief time I was allowed to know him and I know he is with our Father but boy do I miss him.

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Wednesday - hump day ...

Well, today was playgroup again and when I signed up on the database (that's how we all know who's coming and what to expect) I saw that Ashley was bringing her son (the biter) to playgroup this week. I have to tell you it took all I had to not get angry. Her repeated comments last week were that they would stay away for a few weeks and get his behavior under control. Well, I started stewing and then it hit me --- it isn't up to me to figure out how to react to this it is up to God to guide my reactions. All I could do was pray for guidance, go and let Garrett play, watch him and just do my best to protect him if necessary. As it turns out the mom was really all over her son and his behavior was much better. He didn't bite anyone (he tried once but she caught him) and she completely intervened with him when necesary. It was actually pleasant. And to think I was worried how I would react - I am so glad that God spoke to me reminding me that he is in control and not me, and he will handle things and to trust him to guide my responses and actions and all will be well.

There is one other pregnant mom in the group and she is 3 weeks further along than I am. She had a rather scary moment yesterday at her dr's office. They couldn't find a heartbeat on the doppler and had to do an u/s. She was telling me how scary that was and I finally told her that was how I found out that we had lost Jeryd and that she was right ... that is the scariest thing. Fortunately, they think her placenta's orientation made it difficult to locate the heartbeat but all is fine for her. But it is making me think about tomorrow more and more -- tomorrow is the 2-year anniversary of his death.

I am handling this dark anniversary well - not dreading it like I did last year but it still will never be my favorite day of the year. It is getting easier as time goes on - I still think about him and wonder what he would be like. It's funny - mom asked me yesterday if I thought it was easier losing him when I did / would it be harder when he would have been Garrett's age. I told her that I didn't think one would ever be easier than the other they were just different. The way it happened (at the beginning of labor during my 41st week) I never got to see him look at me, heard his voice, felt him alive and thus have no memories of him alive (which would be nice) - however I also never had him in my daily life (other than pregnant) and didn't have the memories of him living in my house, being a part of my daily routine and thus going home and continuing to exist in my house was easier. If I had lost him at a year I would have at least gotten a year with him and a year to know him but then I would have the everyday losses of him not being part of my life in this house and world. I think both suck (frankly) but it is what it is.

I am just praying about tomorrow and that God guides me through it smoothly. HE is certainly good to us.

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Good day

Today is Tuesday and mom just left. She came in yesterday to watch Garrett while I went to my dr visit (I do them every other monday) and stayed the night with us. We had the best time. I love getting to spend time with her like that and miss her now that she's gone. We didn't really do anything specific,but it was just the time together that was so wonderful. It's funny - I spent 16 years living less than 15 miles from her house and it seems like we spend better (more quality) time together now that I live 150 miles away. We didn't see eachother like we should have the last few years that I lived in Atlanta - just life getting in the way all the time. I will also see them all next week as I am driving in to Atl on Monday for a few days - it's Daddy's birthday (he'll be 59).

Seeing them with Garrett just makes me so incredibly happy. They are so enamored with him and, of course, he loves the attention. It really makes me happy to see daddy with him - he is more playful and effusive with Garrett than he was with brother. To me the relationship with grandparents is so crucial for children. I feel that they offer something that parents cannot - it is the unconditional love and acceptance without boundaries or constraints. Mommy's and daddy's, obviously, love their children this way but they have the responsibility of teaching, enforcing rules, applying boundaries and general raising. The grandparents get to skip the more tedious part (the actual parenting) and get to just love and enjoy the child in a way the parent cannot. I had a little of this growing up (mom's parents were this way but they lived out of town) and I want my children to have as much of this as they can. I think the relationship between grandparent and grandchild is just incredible.

Mom says that she is going to try to come in about once a month and spend the night - I truly hope she does. It is good for all of us to see eachother, and especially good for Garrett. I am also going to drive in to see them fairly regularly now that brother and Amy are moving into their house (we'll have a place to stay when we go).

Well, off here to go see about dinner. We were going to meet Kevin's mom and her photogopher friend at a park for another round of pictures but it is starting to rain so we're rescheduling. Honestly, I'll take the rain - it's been months since we've had any real rain here and keeping our landscaping live is killing us.

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Another week ...

While most of the week has been pretty low-key we did have one pretty major event that got us all in an uproar.

When we moved to B'ham I found a mommy & me group that has weekly playgroups, book clubs, stroller/walking club and many other activities that Garrett and I have been pretty active in for a while. This week we hosted playgroup at the house (we can host it at our homes or at a place/event in the area) and there were only a few kids this week (we have 8 or 9 in our age group total). The problem is that there is one kid that is really aggressive - he is also the oldest (19 mos) and very large for his age. He pushes, throws things, head-butts and has tried to bite on several occasions, but typically he doesn't really do any damage (we all watch him pretty closely). Apparently, he picked this week to ramp up his aberrant activities as he bit 2 of the kids and Garrett was one of them. This child (a.k.a. Hannibal) was playing in the ball-pit with Garrett and leaned over to kiss him (we were all right there) and then looked up, and since his mom wasn't looking right at him, he grabbed Garrett by the head and bit him on the nose hard enough to make it bleed in several places. Needless to say Garrett lost his mind, I grabbed Garrett and the mom grabbed her child but all she really said to him was ' look at Garrett - he's crying - he's upset because you hurt his feelings'. I worked really hard to keep my cool (and pulled it off) and just held Garrett for a while (after cleaning his nose up) and she let her son back down to play where he went straight back to the ball are and grabbed the arm of another child and bit him as well. This all happened in under 3-4 minutes. She then made some noises about how her son was tired and he did stuff like this when he was tired and they left.

I was so stunned that I couldn't say much but the other mom's and I talked about it a little later, and we all had noticed how aggressive he was and that it was only getting worse. We also discussed how the mom's handling (or lack of) was also an issue but we dropped it there.

Well, we (luckily) had Garrett's 1-year dr's appointment that afternoon and so the dr and I had a LONG talk about human bites and how dangerous they are. I left with lots of literature and the overwhelming desire to talk to this mom.

I kept my cool, didn't call or send email that day so I could calm down (I only got more angry as the day wore on as she never bothered to call and check on him) but the next day I drafted and email and was VERY nice and framed the email like this 'I thought you would want to know that Garrett seems to be doing OK today - I didn't realize how bad human bites were and here's what our Dr said about them' and just closed. I didn't get angry or accusatory or say anything about her son - I just left it in the educational and informative (about Garrett's nose - we have managed to prevent an infection which is a big deal) nature. I received an email from her and then a phone call - she was so upset about the whole thing. Come to find out she is totally overwhelmed - she is young, a very soft-almost mousy personality who has no real experience with kids prior to this and her son is a large, intelligent, extremely strong-willed child and he kind of has the upper hand already. I ended up calming her down on the phone and later sent her another email just offering her some support and telling her the places I have looked for information when I have run into issues with Garrett.

Garrett seems to be healing well so I am really thankful for that. The only problem is that Garrett has nipped me twice in the last few days since being bitten. This is new and I have to think it is from his little experience - I am just coming down hard on it (harsh tone, interrupting behavior, swatting leg and isolation) and hope to nip this in the bud rather quickly (no pun intended).

On another note, I saw a specialist this week for a first trimester screening test for chromosomal and neural tube issues. I have already told them that Downs (the most common form of chromosomal) isn't ever an issue but with my age (i.e. old) I have a little over 1 in 100 chance of having any issue and the other options are very very very bad (baby won't live till birth) so away we test. I got my results and so far everything looks good but I have to have another test in a few weeks and I will have results that will be 95% accurate. I look at it this way - if this is what God has in plan for me then this is the road I am on and he will walk me down it and I have no real intention of getting too involved with altering this course. It would be so difficult if I lost another child, but I have seen that I can get through that and if that happens then Kevin and I will just simply adopt (not a baby but a little older child). I have always wanted to adopt anyway and we still might do it in a few years (I really would like 3 children). I learned from my dad that family and love is a choice - my dad has loved me more and treated me better than my biological father could have ever even dreamed of doing and I would like to share that with another child.

Well, that's my week. I should run - we have a repairman here working on our attic fan (it died) so hopefully our upstairs will be cooler and we can hopefully lower that monthly electric bill.

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A new week

Well, the party was wonderful! Everyone seemed to have a great time - including the guest of honor. He ate more cake than I care to think about and seemed to enjoy every minute of it. He got a good many gifts and is enjoying playing with many of them, but I have put about half of them up for a later date (I just feel it's better to enjoy what you have rather than to have TONS of stuff and never appreciate it so I put away toys he doesn't play with and don't put everything out that the gets all at once and pull them out slowly - I would be donating the toys he doens't play with but with a new one on the way I am saving them for now). The thing I love the most is that he seems to gravitate toward the books and puzzles more than anything - now he does love his trucks and his ball house (we bought him a small bouncy ball house) but the books and puzzles are played with most of the time. We read to him a good deal - I want to raise a reader.

The company came and went and wasn't as bad as I worried it could be. KP was more than ready for them to go, but they didn't affect me the way they did him (I guess it's because it's my family). THe thing that got to us both is the total lack of structure, consequences or boundaries they impose on their 10 year old son (the older one has never given them a moment's trouble). He pushes and pushes and nothing ... it is making being near him hard and thus being near all of them hard. He isn't a bad kid - he just doesn't know boundaries.

I guess it's the combination of my age, being pregnant and having a VERY active toddler but it has taken me days to recover from the whole thing. I have slept as much as I could (aka 2 naps a day - when G goes down so have I :) for days and am finally feeling human and don't have a killer headache. I am glad we did the party and glad I got to see all of my family but am really glad to be back to our normal schedule. I guess I am turning into a creature of habit - ahhh the joys of aging.

Well, I am off to write thank you notes for all of the kind and thoughtful gifts.

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