Well, duh!!!

As we use to say (in the golden days of my youth) DUH! Ok, was wondering why so down over the last week or so - really struggling with it and not sure why. I mean I know sleep is a factor but still it's not like me to be that down. I had a calendar and knew that a certain date was coming fast, as it does every July now, and somehow last week I totally spaced on it and for the first time in 3 years the meaning of the date July 20th escaped me on the actual date. That is Jeryd's birthdate! What a moron I am!

So anyway, somehow I missed it all day. I knew it was coming but I didn't look at the calendar that day and somehow it passed without me being totally caught up in it. When it dawned on me I started feeling awful - how could I have forgotten my first child's birthday???? What was wrong with me??? But then it dawned on me that I actually had a decent day on Friday (aside from my less than sunny mood in the afternoon) and that can only be attributed to God. I think maybe he shielded me from it - he let me be so caught up in my children and their activity that I didn't have to ache all day for the one that is missing in my daily life. So I am viewing it as a bit of a blessing. Perspective, right?

So anyway, I miss my little boy. Even 3 years later there is always something missing in my life - KP feels it too. We would have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old ... and I thought it was a little nutty now!?!?!?! I know he is with our Father and I know he is fine and I know I will see him again but the fleshly mommy in me misses my little boy - even when she has 2 lively ones on her all day. It is true that time makes it easier - it doesn't hurt any less but it certainly isn't as jagged or raw.

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