Wednesday - hump day ...

Well, today was playgroup again and when I signed up on the database (that's how we all know who's coming and what to expect) I saw that Ashley was bringing her son (the biter) to playgroup this week. I have to tell you it took all I had to not get angry. Her repeated comments last week were that they would stay away for a few weeks and get his behavior under control. Well, I started stewing and then it hit me --- it isn't up to me to figure out how to react to this it is up to God to guide my reactions. All I could do was pray for guidance, go and let Garrett play, watch him and just do my best to protect him if necessary. As it turns out the mom was really all over her son and his behavior was much better. He didn't bite anyone (he tried once but she caught him) and she completely intervened with him when necesary. It was actually pleasant. And to think I was worried how I would react - I am so glad that God spoke to me reminding me that he is in control and not me, and he will handle things and to trust him to guide my responses and actions and all will be well.

There is one other pregnant mom in the group and she is 3 weeks further along than I am. She had a rather scary moment yesterday at her dr's office. They couldn't find a heartbeat on the doppler and had to do an u/s. She was telling me how scary that was and I finally told her that was how I found out that we had lost Jeryd and that she was right ... that is the scariest thing. Fortunately, they think her placenta's orientation made it difficult to locate the heartbeat but all is fine for her. But it is making me think about tomorrow more and more -- tomorrow is the 2-year anniversary of his death.

I am handling this dark anniversary well - not dreading it like I did last year but it still will never be my favorite day of the year. It is getting easier as time goes on - I still think about him and wonder what he would be like. It's funny - mom asked me yesterday if I thought it was easier losing him when I did / would it be harder when he would have been Garrett's age. I told her that I didn't think one would ever be easier than the other they were just different. The way it happened (at the beginning of labor during my 41st week) I never got to see him look at me, heard his voice, felt him alive and thus have no memories of him alive (which would be nice) - however I also never had him in my daily life (other than pregnant) and didn't have the memories of him living in my house, being a part of my daily routine and thus going home and continuing to exist in my house was easier. If I had lost him at a year I would have at least gotten a year with him and a year to know him but then I would have the everyday losses of him not being part of my life in this house and world. I think both suck (frankly) but it is what it is.

I am just praying about tomorrow and that God guides me through it smoothly. HE is certainly good to us.

a