Caving in ...

Well, I decided to do something today that I thought I wouldn't do this time around ... I ordered a doppler so that I could hear the baby's heartbeat. I used one while pregnant with Garrett and it helped me a great deal. I have been so calm and laid-back about this pregnancy I honestly thought I could go around it but last night I looked fear in the face again and realized I am not as strong as I had hoped. I am feeling him move daily now - not all the time but typically every night. Last night while i was asleep he MOVED - I mean with such force that it moved my entire belly and woke me up (he's only 19 weeks so this is early for that kind of movement) and then I never felt him move again. The problem is that is exactly the last movement I felt from Jeryd right before he died, so that was obviously on my mind and thus I barely slept last night. I realized at one point in the night that if I had a doppler I could go hear the baby and just relax and go back to sleep instead of waiting on him to wiggle.

The thing is, that I know this is fear and this is NOT divinely driven and that I need to pray and I have been. I know that by succumbing to it I am giving into the fear that satan brings - he's using what he knows would hurt me as he does us all. I know that God has a wonderful plan for me and that fear isn't part of it ... but knowing this isn't helping right now. I also know that a doppler won't stop anything, but it will certainly let me know when to panic and when not to panic - it takes the unknown out of the picture. I am not sure if by ordering/renting this doppler I am sinning by giving into the fear that drove that decision, or if God would rather me use the available technology to show me that I have nothing to fear. Honestly, I found last time that I didn't use it that much after the first couple of weeks - I only used it when Garrett hadn't moved for a while. There were weeks I didn't touch it and I expect the same will happen again. I am just unsure if I am doing the right thing or not ... Especially, given that Kevin's job is still in the air and will be for a while. Spending money unnecessarily isn't good right now (or ever really but especially right now). I think KP was disappointed when I told him I wanted to rent it this morning - he told me to do what I felt like I needed to do but he certainly didn't encourage it. I feel like I should have stronger faith and just believe for this baby to be OK and that it would work out fine.

Well, off to take a much needed nap and pray on this a little more.

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