Changes ... they are a coming.

WHEW! I had forgotten what a whir-wind my hubby is when he gets on a roll. Since we officially know the gender of the baby and everything is fine - apparently we have crossed some mythical line so it's time to put our plans into action.

We had decided to make a few conversions to rooms in our home prior to this one coming home. We have a 4-bedroom house and were using one bedroom as a spare (one was Garrett's and one ours) and the final one was an office. Well, the office has a pretty big closet (5'x5') so we decided to pull everything out (it was our stashing place) and convert it to an office (about the size of a cubicle) - this meant it had to be painted, a desk cut down to fit in the spot and lots of shelving added. Then we had to clean out the desk that had been in the office (it was too big to use in that space) and that meant TONS of shreading of paper and filing and throwing away - then the desk had to be disassembled and relocated to the garage to be used for storage down there (where the now modified desk had been). We got all of that finished this weekend and now we (we being KP as I am preg and cannot paint --- you hear the remorse in my voice I am sure ;) have to paint this room (formally office) so we can make it into the spare and move everything in here over the next week and then we can start making a new nursery.

What's the rush, you may ask, as you're only 20 weeks. Well, a couple of things are driving this. One is my husbands utter refusal to do things at the last minute. He's an UBER planner and wants it done the way he wants it done and doesn't want to get caught with his proverbial pants down so it must be done early (I am a little this way as well so it works for us). The next (and probably biggest reason) is that Auburn football officially starts this coming saturday and this man is NOT going to spend fall football (the time of year he lives for) paintint a room or hanging shelving. The final reason (that he likes to espouse; however, since I have had to be induced twice I doubt is a reality for us) is that 'sometimes babies come early and we should be ready'. Really it's about football - I just let him have the rest as it makes him happy.

I am happy with the new office and think the new spare bedroom will be nice. I am not thrilled with leaving the futon in here as well (the room isn't that big) but KP really wants to so we are. KP is a HUGE animal lover and our two 4-legged kids are Beau and Aubie and they are big basset hound boys. Beau loves to lay on teh futon and look out the window and watch things out front --- this means that KP will make sure that he keeps his spot at the window even if the bed has to be jammed into a corner and a dresser might not fit. But you know what ... if it makes KP happy then so be it! I am not going to complain about this - it isn't that big of a deal.

I am starting to get excited about the new baby. I even started looking at bedding for the crib. I think we're going to do a jungle theme in this room (it is painted a mustard type color that is prettier than it sounds) and we're going to leave it. We're still talking names and I think the big debate is over the middle name. We have used a name for each branch of our family except my mom for our kids and I strongly feel that it's time to do it for her as well. The first name I think we both like is Braden and the middle name i have suggested is Price (it's moms' mother's maiden name) - it's up to him to beat it or take it.

Well, gonna close --- got stuff to do to make these rooms happen and need to do it while Garrett is down.

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Psalm 23 ...

Well, as I lay there last night waiting on this little one to move (which I am not sure I felt or if I thought I felt something - the mind can play great tricks when it wants to sometimes) I started praying. I finally just asked God ... "what is it that you want of me right now? I mean I have already buried one child and I am scared of losing another one and I have been praying and still don't seem to be getting any answers. I mean seriously ... I feel like I am literally walking through the valley of the shadow of death right now." Now I haven't thought of that scripture in years - and in fact have had trouble remembering it and it was like a light went on and the entire scripture came to me clear as day ... with the following standing out like a beacon. "yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear not evil for thou are with me ..." (psalm 23). And I almost started laughing right there ... he wanted me to fear no evil even though I was considering the fact that I could have lost another child (probably not but still haven't felt the little one move ... so waiting on some sort of answer is what I'm doing). He wanted me to walk in faith and know that if that is the case then it is his answer, and it is the right one. That is a hard pill to swallow (that the death of your child might be the right answer) but if that is the pill I know I will get through it. I mean he carried me through Jeryd dying and I honestly didn't think I would get up from that - it put me broken on the floor in a way I have never experienced and continuing seemed so hard for a while ... but here I am. So if he got me through that then I know he will get me through anything.

Well, I am off here to catch a quick nap --- Garrett is teething something fierce right now and when I finally did get to sleep I was woken up and remained up for a couple of hours with him. I'm pooped!
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Caving in ...

Well, I decided to do something today that I thought I wouldn't do this time around ... I ordered a doppler so that I could hear the baby's heartbeat. I used one while pregnant with Garrett and it helped me a great deal. I have been so calm and laid-back about this pregnancy I honestly thought I could go around it but last night I looked fear in the face again and realized I am not as strong as I had hoped. I am feeling him move daily now - not all the time but typically every night. Last night while i was asleep he MOVED - I mean with such force that it moved my entire belly and woke me up (he's only 19 weeks so this is early for that kind of movement) and then I never felt him move again. The problem is that is exactly the last movement I felt from Jeryd right before he died, so that was obviously on my mind and thus I barely slept last night. I realized at one point in the night that if I had a doppler I could go hear the baby and just relax and go back to sleep instead of waiting on him to wiggle.

The thing is, that I know this is fear and this is NOT divinely driven and that I need to pray and I have been. I know that by succumbing to it I am giving into the fear that satan brings - he's using what he knows would hurt me as he does us all. I know that God has a wonderful plan for me and that fear isn't part of it ... but knowing this isn't helping right now. I also know that a doppler won't stop anything, but it will certainly let me know when to panic and when not to panic - it takes the unknown out of the picture. I am not sure if by ordering/renting this doppler I am sinning by giving into the fear that drove that decision, or if God would rather me use the available technology to show me that I have nothing to fear. Honestly, I found last time that I didn't use it that much after the first couple of weeks - I only used it when Garrett hadn't moved for a while. There were weeks I didn't touch it and I expect the same will happen again. I am just unsure if I am doing the right thing or not ... Especially, given that Kevin's job is still in the air and will be for a while. Spending money unnecessarily isn't good right now (or ever really but especially right now). I think KP was disappointed when I told him I wanted to rent it this morning - he told me to do what I felt like I needed to do but he certainly didn't encourage it. I feel like I should have stronger faith and just believe for this baby to be OK and that it would work out fine.

Well, off to take a much needed nap and pray on this a little more.

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A little calmer today ...

Well, I talked at lenght with KP about his job situation last night and he kept asking me why I was freaking out about it when he wasn't. He pointed out that he was in a great position to either transition internally or go with the division if it was bought out and that if neither of those worked that we would be covered and would be OK. He also pointed out that when I am pregnant I have a tendancy to have hormonally-related panic sessions and he felt that this was probably in that category.

After a good nights sleep (and much prayer) i think he is right. I feel much calmer today and more balanced and feel that my hormone fluctuations made me much more vulnerable for that kind of behavior. I am working on maintaining balance in my life and not stressing things. We have a great life and I know it and I know that is only because we are incredibly blessed and I am thankful every single day for every minute of my life.

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Here I am in the boat with another storm on the horizon

WOW! I have truly decided that if it isn't one thing it is going to be 1,000. On Monday we found out the gender of our newest family member and KP passed this bear of a certification exam. THis should have left us jumping for joy with all the good news (especially given that we were able to get the roof fixed for very little money on top of it) and then the bottom falls out again. Healthsouth (the company he works for) made an announcement that they are selling off 3/4 of their company over the next year (a vague-ish time frame but the only one given) and wouldn't you know it - Kevin coordinates all of IT for one of those divisions. When asked about jobs for the current employees this was the basic response --- we want everyone to continue to work hard on all projects so that we can get the best price for each division and maybe the buyers can incorporate some of those employees and if not maybe we can find alternate employment within Healthsouth but we won't be able to say for sure until that time. So basically ... go work and make us the most money you can and you might or might not have a job in the next week to year. He wasn't in the office Monday and started talking to higher up's yesterday and basically it's a 50/50 split whether he'll continue to be employeed. I mean honestly he could go in tomorrow (or next week or next month ...) and be told to clean out his desk and he might get a severance package, and then again he might have a job with them for the next few years --- neither scenario would surprise us right now.

I am trying so hard to not stress this. I truly believe that we are in this position because it is where God wants us to be but this one is hard. You know it's funny - I didn't worry at all last year when he was out of a job for 7 months (after he left Stockamp before he picked up with Healthsouth) but this time I am finding it really difficult to let it go. I believe that we are here for whatever reason HE has and that we will land in a good place but the bad part is that "I" want to stay here in B'ham and in this house - I am happy here. This is the happiest I can remember being and I want to raise my children here. This is a great area, great neighborhood and great house for kids - Kevin has been more relaxed and happy here than I have ever known him and thus so have I. I am praying about this constantly - praying for peace, for forgiveness when I pick this problem up and fuss over it like a worry stone and asking, if possible, can we please remain here and Kevin not have to travel. KP doesn't want me working right now - with 2 little ones 18 months apart it would be so difficult so it is all on him. He does have the option of taking a traveling position and would earn a great income but he would be gone and that is NOT worth it to me - I would rather have tight money and him home than the other way around.

Part of me sees these other families doing the daily thing and being bored with it and I long to ever have that level of familiarity with the daily grind with a family. The grocery shopping, house cleaning, cooking for the family, everyone at the table for dinner every night, and then as the kids get older - baseball/football/soccer (whatever) games and so on. It just seems that a lack of turmoil may never be part of our existance - that the only peace we may ever have may truly be in the eye of the storm. I mean it's just been a series of employment uncertainty, deaths, moving and so on and so on. I guess this is me playing the 'poor pitiful me' thing - and if so I need to just get over it. But boy do I long for the days when I am actually tired of cooking dinner for the family and am use to seeing my husband at night ( - not that I really want this part to go away as I still am absolutely giddy every night that he is home - I hate leaving when he's here I love being near him so much) and seeing my kid(s).

I am still listening to my teaching on complaining, fault-finding, tale-bearing and am going to continue this until it is a repetative thing in my head. I know that if I complain about my position I will remain in it - that the only way through this storm (and all situations) is to put my faith in God and trust the outcome to be the best for us. To be thankful for the gifts/blessings I have (and I am more than I could ever express and say so many times a day) and to be thankful for the trials as this is where I grow and learn. The problem is that I want a lull between my trials --- that is my flesh but it is screaming out 'for pete's sake can't we even get through what's in front of us before a new one pops up'. I am just grumping .. I should go.

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And the answer is ...

Well, I just got back from the appt with the geneticist and we're having another boy. Leigh (my sister-in-law) was right ... the Page's don't make girls. I think this is great. While I would have loved to have a little girl (they have much cuter clothes and raising a girl would just be a blast) I absolutely LOVE raising Garrett and know that I will this one as well. Honestly, I wasn't sure what I was having and really didn't care - I just wanted the baby to be healthy and alive and that is what I have and I am so thankful and know how blessed I am. Now for names ... naming boys is just harder than girls ...

Garrett and I went to Atlanta this past weekend for Amy's baby shower and stayed with mom and dad. We had a good time. I ended up staying 'till sunday for a couple of reasons - one mom really didn't want us to go, I really didn't want to either and lastly I knew KP had to study and was working on the house with Brian and I didn't want to be anywhere near that. The shower was so nice and they got a lot of stuff which they really needed (she didn't have anything for the baby and is due in 8 weeks). Amy is so sweet and I am just so happy for her and brother - they are such a great couple. They will also make good parents.

The house ... Brian (our self-adopted memeber of the family) drove over on Saturday morning (from Atl) and helped KP fix the house. THey were able to do it for under 20 dollars in materials and a little over an hour's worth of work -- these other guys wanted 1600 for the job. It makes me sad to realize that people want to capitolize on other's hardships like that. Now we get to refinish the ceiling in the kitchen (damage from the leak) and we are cool. I am just so thankful that this was easily fixed and have said a prayer of thanksgiving many times over this.

KP is taking that really difficult test as I type. He is so very nervous - I just hate that. He isn't a good test taker and makes it worse worrying like he does. I am praying for peace for him and that he does well and is able to give them the knowledge he has inside of him. It will work out for the best - I just hope he passes it so he doesn't beat himself up and stress harder next time.

That's about the size of things over here. Life is good and I am enjoying and thankful for every minute of the ride.

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It's ALWAYS something ...

You know, I know that the moment that you make a decision to right a particular part of your life the enemy comes agianst you. I am seeing this in action today. I have been praying and studying on my words and my propensity to judge/fault-find and have made a decision that we are going to find our church home here in B'ham soon. I am praying for the inner peace that only our Father can grant and practicing "casting my cares".

Well, it was almost comical (the timing not the issue) .. we noticed a small water leak on our ceiling a week or so ago and then yesterday it got MUCH worse after a fairly heavy downpour. I called the people that installed a new attic fan for us a few weeks ago as the timing was a little too close for it to be much else. The guy came out today and the good news is that he found the problem ... the bad news is that the problem is fairly large. Apparently, something has happened to our gutter (it runs the entire length of the house) and it pulled the wood and siding away from the house and it is all dangling as I type. This is where the water is coming in and it has to be repaired ASAP before it rips the siding off the house. Being as how I have never dealt with stuff like this before I called KP in a flat panic and he came home and got up to have a look - it is not good. Everything (siding, soffit, gutter) has to be taken off the house, repairs made and then all reinstalled and this isn't something he can do alone. The quote was a significan chuck of money, and while we have it in savings our savings is dwindling lately (making repairs and purchases that keep coming up have put a drain on it lately) and with me not working this is a real issue. Kevin is BESIDE himself - I knew what the answer was and it wasn't the one we wanted ... (it wasn't enough $$ to warrant a home-owners claim and be worth getting dropped if something else happened and nobody else could come out for a while to even give a quote let alone getting on the schedule for repairs - this has to be addressed immediately as you can see in the attic). It took KP a good while of "mulling" (what he has to do before any big decision) before he reached teh same conclusion, and I had to make the fateful call to schedule the guy to come tomorrow to make the repairs.

Now the funny thing is that this didn't really steal my peace as intended. I did get a little upset when I saw stuff hanging off the house and I didn't like the quote any more than Kevin, did but I never got upset. Nor did I get upset with KP for taking the amount of time he has to take to reach decisions, which I would have typically done. I just kept thinking ... 'andi let the man think - maybe he can find a solution you haven't considered' because most times he will do just that. And I let it be. I just sat there and let the whole thing happen and never got upset or frustrated or lost my peace for one moment. And now that it is all decided I can see that this was a trial to see how I would handle frustration and aggravation in a time-sensitive situation with KP taking his time thinking on it.

I am praying for KEvin to keep it in perspective ... we are all fine, the house is easily repairable and we have the means to do the repairs. Yes, this is not good for our financial stability, BUT our stability should not be derived from his fruits alone - it is something given and provided for by our Father. THIS is what savings is for - rainy days (literally sometimes :)

The upshot is that I am leaving for Atlanta in the morning for Amy's (sister in law) baby shower on Saturday and KP is staying here (and home tomorrow) to study for this huge national management certification exam he has on monday (part of his job is to attain this national certification and he is none too happy about that either). So I won't be here for the fun that will come tomorrow during the repair process - I will just have to fend the subsequent phone calls. I know I shouldn't find this comical but all I can think is that I just got tested and I managed to do fairly well and that is slightly amusing that the enemy's attempts to harm me didn't work. In fact I was just thinking that I am thankful for the test so I could put into practice what I am learning. It only strengthens my resolve to continue on this path.

It is ALWAYS something (to quote Gilda), but then it's a good day when the "somethings" turn out to be blessings in disguise.

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Happy Anniversary to us!

I'm trying to figure out how to add pictures and thought I'd put these on here to see if I got it to work ... they were taken a month or so ago. Kevin and I were on our way out to a dinner (we dressed up which was nice) to celebrate the new baby. I am bigger now and am starting to show ... but at over 16 weeks that is to be expected.

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. We went out last night to celebrate and had a good time. I can't believe that we have been together for 9+ years and married 6. I still really like him, I like being near him and love being married to him. We were talking last night about how blessed we are - we have this nice house, a great marriage, a wonderful son and are about to have another little one running around, and even have a little money to go out to eat every once in a while. We don't have brand new cars or buy expensive clothes or go to expensive places but that doesn't matter - we don't miss or want that in our lives. I guess the best word for us is contentment - we are very happy in our life and know that we have been tremendously blessed. This lead to a discussion about church and how we both know that finding a church home here is very important.

I have been listening to a teaching that is convicting me like crazy. It is on murmuring, grumbling, complaining and fault-finding. I am probably most guilty of fault-finding (which could also be termed judging) but have issues with the others as well. I am finally beginning to see what God meant by not looking at the splinter in your brother's eye but to pay attention to the log in your own. It isn't that others are wrong (I am learning) it is that I need to mind my own issues and let them live the way they feel lead to go and let God deal with them in his time -- if that's what truly needs to happen. I am starting to see that I really don't have the answers for anyone - not even me ... only God does. And how arrogant I am to think that I do. Man do I have miles to go ...

Well, I'll close for today - need to run a load of laundry before Garrett gets up from his morning nap.
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A new month begins ...

Ok, here we are on the first day of August and BOY is it hot! I am a southern person, but summers here in the deep south can be brutal even to those of us who have always lived in them. As a new Alabamian (alabamian always sounds odd - I mean it's Georgan not GeorgIan why alabamIan?) I am really pretty surprised by the breeze here. It isn't really cooling but it does help - unlike Georgia (well atlanta anyway) where it was dead air. At this point in the summer you take what you can get for relief and you are thankful for it.

So I had been pondering my exercise (or lack of in the last month) and knew I had to get back on the horse, but it was the wake-up at my dr visit yesterday that did the trick. I lost 5 lbs after becoming pregnant and slowly gained that back and am now up 7lbs -- this, in itself, isn't bad except that I gained 4 1/2 of those pounds in the last 2 weeks. THAT'S BAD! My dr didn't scold but did mention taht I needed to "watch that rapid weight gain". So I walked last night with Kevin and Garrett and the boys (beau and aubie our 2 goofy basset hounds) and I went to stroller/walking club (in my mom's group) today and walked this morning. I will continue nightly walks with the family (those had slowed lately due to weather and being out of town) and add a few more morning walks back into the routine. I need to get back up in distance (I was going 15-20 miles a week) and hope to be in the 10-12 mile a week range pretty soon. It won't really take weight off, but I am pregnant so I shouldn't focus on that .. and who knows maybe it will slow the gain somewhat and keep me in reasonable shape through these next 5 months.

Well, I need to run. Garrett is down for his nap and I have some stuff to get done.

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