Thoughts of children dancing in my head ...

One of the gals in our playgroup is new pregnant and it got me thinking again. One of the other moms (she also lost a baby) asked me if we were thinking about going down that road and I admitted that I have an appointment with a perinatologist in May to discuss this possibility in the near-to-distant future. While large parts of me aren't jazzed about being pregnant the reality of it is that it is only for 9 months and I would have another child (hopefully) to love. So is it worth it .. definately. In fact, this has been a topic often discussed around the Page house and we are taking the 'what will be will be' approach to it - I figure if it is supposed to happen then it will and if not then we'll look into adoption. I mean seriously I am not getting ANY younger and my risk factor only gets higher the longer we wait - if we did it in the next few months they would be not quite 2 years apart and we could call it quits for biological children (not ever ruling out adopting a child later - not a baby but a child). I mean as much as I am for adoption it is really cool to see parts of both Kevin and myself showing up in Garrett. a

feeling peaceful ...

I'm feeling really peaceful tonight. Kevin is out of town for a couple of days and this is my first time alone with Garrett while we're here in B'ham and it is going better than I expected. We play during the day and I am enjoying getting to do a lot of reading on the porch at night after he goes to bed. I miss KP but am enjoying a little time alone. It's funny - you get use to being alone (as I did since he traveled for most of our years together) and then he's home all of the time and then you have a baby and one day you realize you can't remember the last time you were actually alone and could do whatever you wanted (even if it is just sit on the porch with a glass of wine and listen to music and read). Not that I want Kevin to travel (I don't) but I am feeling more peaceful about being alone than I thought I would.

I was supposed to go to Atlanta tomorrow to see my parents but mom isn't feeling very well so the trips been cancelled. It's funny how just about every trip either to go there or them come here is cancelled. I am learning to take it with a sense of humor and let it go. What will be will be I suppose. On a happier note my brother is officially married! I hate that I missed it (it was in Carmel last weekend and there was just no way I could go) but I am so happy for him and Amy. Well, I am off to bed as my day starts really early these days .. (I love being a mommy :)

Children ...

Thoughts of children keep circling in my head. I want more children (sometimes want tons of them) but the thought of having to be pregnant again right now just isn't appealing to me. It frustrates me that I will have to go through 3 complete pregnancies to get 2 living children. I just spent 18 out of 21 straight months pregnant to get Garrett (and he was worth every minute) but I am just now really feeling like me again, and honestly, I just don't want to give that up just yet. The problem is that I am not getting any younger so I know our window is closing. Add to that the fact that I'm already a high risk pregnant person so the longer I wait and the older I get the higher that risk rises. The bottom line is that I just don't think I can make it through burying another child. There is always adoption and this is what we initially wanted to do and I guess we could start looking into that. I just don't know. I know the right answer is to pray on it and turn it over and let God take it where he wants it to go, and that's what I'll ultimately do, but the control part of me wants to obsess on it right now. a

April 14th

Well, it's Good Friday and Garrett doesn't feeling very well. This is our first real bug and neither of us have taken it particularily well. I tend to be a nervous mom, I guess losing your first child does that to a person. I just hope I don't drown him in it. He's such a sweet kid and so very funny ... especially to be only 9 1/2 months. He is such a blessing! Other than playing with, and taking care of him, I am trying to get this house cleaned since my parents are coming for a visit on Sunday. This will be the first time Daddy's seen it since we moved in back in December and I want it to be pretty when he gets here. I am really excited about seeing them. I have really missed them since we moved to Birmingham - not that Atlanta is very far away but still I can't just run over whenever I want to for a visit. Guess I'd better run ... that vacuum won't run itself. a