Few more pictures ...

Here are a few of the boys ..

Garrett is about to be 3 and is still really fair, blonde and blue eyed. Braden is 16 mos here and has a much darker coloring, dark brown hair and brown eyes so dark they're almost black.

I love my boys!!!

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I looked up and realized it was JUNE!

Ok, haven't posted since October - where have the last 8 months gone??? I swear I thought I was doing better than that but apparently not.

OOhh well, my life. Well, I am at my goal weight, still exercising daily and I love it. I am going about 25 miles a week (some higher a few lower) and have added upper body weights. I didn't know I had arm muscles but a lady in a store the other day commented on my arms so apparently I do! I'm still doing the stay-at-home thing but I do love it. The kids are great - Garrett turns 3 on the first and Braden is almost 18 mos. They are a blast. I didn't realize how much quicker the second one does things - apparently competition is a real motivator. B has this amazing vocabulary and is obsessed with learning how to go down the stairs by himself. He even sneaks over and pries the gate open and practices on the bottom few stairs so I don't make him hold my hand. B's also almost as big as G - there's about 4lbs and 4" between them. I keep telling G he better start eating more or B's going to catch him!

My days are pretty much all about the kids. Garrett got out of Mother's sanity mornings (aka mother's morning out) in mid-may so we've been a threesome since then. I have to say we're having a great summer. We've hit the zoo a few times, put water in the pool in the back yard a few times a week, hit the library for story time every week, play with friends (playgroup) once a week (at least) and we're trying to get to the neighborhood pool more frequently. The only issue with the neighborhood pool is that there isn't a "baby pool" and I have 2 small ones and not a swimmer between them yet and they want to be a little independent of mom so it gets interesting. I finally found something for G that seems to work but it's still a little big for B so I'm going to try another type of vest thing and see how that goes. I am hoping to get G into swim lessons soon ... we'll see. The last ones I tried filled up within 30 min of opening so unless I want to shell out a good deal of money (like the 1-200$+ range) I am just going to have to do what I can this summer.

I think we're going to try the pool this afternoon as it's hot in my house. Our upstairs a/c unit went out and they can't fix it until tomorrow. Somehow the unit, which is in the attic, is frozen up solid - now it's about 4 thousand degrees up there so this is truly a feat in my opinion. Anyway, I am just hoping it is easily fixed and doesn't cost us an arm and a leg. I feel bad putting the kids down for a nap in this heat (it's currently 84 up here and climbing) but thier fans are on high so I hope they sleep for at least a little while and then I'll take them to the pool to cool off.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm posting a few pics of us - we had pictures taken again.

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It's been a while coming ...

Well, as I write this I am in the midst of making some personal changes for nobody but me. And I have to admit that most people in my world don't seem to understand them entirely. What am I doing? I am trying to 'get it together' ... how? By losing weight (lost 25 lbs since July and have 20 more to go to get where I want to be), exercising and doing a few other slightly asthetic things such as seeing a dermotologist. The truth is that I am not typically vain or fussy appearance-wise and I'm much more likely to leave the house with a slightly wet head and no make-up than I am to take the time to actually fix my hair and face so this IS a bit of a change. I have made a committment to myself to get my weight under control, get myself totally healthy and see if I can do anything (short of surgery and injections) to stop the march of time that is progressing across my face. The catalyst for all of this is that I am turning 40 in a few months, and, while I don't mind BEING 40 - I don't want to LOOK and FEEL 40.

Since I am being questioned so much about the changes I am making - and they are pretty big changes, I decided to figure out exactly why this was suddenly so important to me. This is what dawned on me ... I spent my 20's trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I had this life that was always in some sort of a mess (mostly from my own doing - i'll admit that) and I wanted to know why and make that stop. I spent a good deal of time in counseling and was able to kind of figure a few things out and as a result was able to find some inner peace, boundaries and stability (and these were not things anyone would have said of me in my early 20's). Then I turned 30 and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had not accomplished anything I thought I would have done by then. I wasn't married (was dating Kevin but for less than a year), I hadn't finished (or even started) grad school, my career was off the charts in no-where-land and I didn't have children and there were none on the horizon ... and I was 30. That got me motivated to get some things done - I applied to and 2.5 years later graduated from grad school with 2 Master's degrees, I got married at 32, my career changed drastically - took off and I LOVED what I was doing and at 35 I became pregnant with my first child. So here I am 39 having done all the things I was "supposed" to do and what was next?

Well, that's when I took a long hard look in the mirror and did NOT recognize the woman looking back at me ... literally - it didn't look like "me" anymore. So that's when this started. I began to walk and am now up to almost 30 miles a week. I started eating better and am feeling incredibly better than I was 5 months ago - much more energetic and happy. And I am losing the weight - only 20 more to go and I'll be back where I actually feel comfortable in my skin once again.

I have found that most people will "get" one thing I am doing but think another is too much. For instance my mom understands my desire to do preventative things to my face so that in 10 years people aren't asking me if I am Garrett and Braden's grandmother (one of the little joys of being a mother later in life) but really doesn't get my whole weight loss thing and thinks it's excessive (even though most of my life I weighed less than i currently want to weigh and I am under a dr's care and my "goal" weight is totally in the healthy range for my height). And then there's KP - he totally gets the weight loss but thinks the desire to do anything about my face (which isn't bad by the way .. my goal is to prevent it from getting bad) is just crazy. And then there's my friends, they think the things I am doing are great but the amount of exercise is just excessive (it's at least an hour a day - because I walk not run).

So I have decided I don't have to defend my decisions to anyone. Right now this is about me. I am taking care of my 2 very small children, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner and doing all the other stuff that comes with running a house and family - so I am not taking away anything from anyone. I am just chosing to focus some of my energy on me and toward getting me right and healthy. Also since I'll be in my late 50's when they both get out of high school (60's for college and who knows how old for marriage) I have to be around for a long time if I ever want to meet my grandchildren ...

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Well, duh!!!

As we use to say (in the golden days of my youth) DUH! Ok, was wondering why so down over the last week or so - really struggling with it and not sure why. I mean I know sleep is a factor but still it's not like me to be that down. I had a calendar and knew that a certain date was coming fast, as it does every July now, and somehow last week I totally spaced on it and for the first time in 3 years the meaning of the date July 20th escaped me on the actual date. That is Jeryd's birthdate! What a moron I am!

So anyway, somehow I missed it all day. I knew it was coming but I didn't look at the calendar that day and somehow it passed without me being totally caught up in it. When it dawned on me I started feeling awful - how could I have forgotten my first child's birthday???? What was wrong with me??? But then it dawned on me that I actually had a decent day on Friday (aside from my less than sunny mood in the afternoon) and that can only be attributed to God. I think maybe he shielded me from it - he let me be so caught up in my children and their activity that I didn't have to ache all day for the one that is missing in my daily life. So I am viewing it as a bit of a blessing. Perspective, right?

So anyway, I miss my little boy. Even 3 years later there is always something missing in my life - KP feels it too. We would have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old ... and I thought it was a little nutty now!?!?!?! I know he is with our Father and I know he is fine and I know I will see him again but the fleshly mommy in me misses my little boy - even when she has 2 lively ones on her all day. It is true that time makes it easier - it doesn't hurt any less but it certainly isn't as jagged or raw.

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A sunny post???

Well, here we are a week later and a tad more sleep so - perhaps, a bit better mood and sunnier disposition. I did submit my resume to Children's Harbor but, so far, haven't heard anything from them. I am planning on sending them a follow-up email (that's how we're communicating at this point). To be honest, that just capitolizes on things that have been running through my mind lately- all that I have walked away from with this move. Don' t get me wrong the move has been wonderful for the family - KP's NEVER been happier, our marriage is stronger than ever, mom and I get along wonderfully, Garrett is thriving and Braden is here. I just feel that I have given up so much of what I've always wanted to make this happen. I gave up the degree I've always wanted for my kids - now it was because I felt that I wouldn't have been a good mom if I had tried to do it while they were so little and I still feel that way, but it does cross my mind that if I had stayed in my program I would be done with my studies and working on my dissertation at this point (I think what stopped me cold was realizing there was no answer to give when God asked me how I justified forsaking my children for my career when i got to heaven because that is what I would have had to do). Then there is the great little career I had carved out in Cobb County - I really liked my job and feel that it's probably unlikely that I'll find something remotely similiar here. I'm also feeling a little like my close friendships have pretty much been stripped from my life as well. The only person I talk to with any regularity is mom. Even friendships I have maintained most of my life are distant to me now - it's not that either side has necessarily pulled away that just seems to be the state of affairs right now.

I guess I just need to stop feeling a tad sorry for myself by looking at what is not, and just give it up to Him and go on with things. He is in control of my life and there is a very good reason I am where I am right now - He knows what it is and is probably just waiting on me to figure it out. To be honest I haven't been praying much lately, nor have I been reading the bible or doing anything of real value or purpose. I'm still a bit in the 'survival' mode with 2 very small ones and that tends to take most of my days. I'm also off meds (have been for a couple of months) and am wondering if that is making a difference in my mental state or if it really is just the sleep thing (I have taken Wellbutrin for a few years - it really did balance my moods and keep me more even keeled). I guess what I really need to do is go to church (we haven't been in a while - KP actually went for about a month so that is huge) and begin praying. I am thinking of getting involved with MOPS (mothers of pre schoolers) - it is a a religious-based mom support group that does bible studies and such. I've thought about getting in touch with them for a while but, honestly, I was so overwhelmed with being pregnant with Braden and then having Braden and getting through it all, that it just wore me out to think about taking on anything new.

Ok ... so maybe "sunny" isn't how I might term my disposition today. Maybe tomorrow.
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The boys in the backyard ..

New Garrett pics ...

Garrett LOVES a good birthday party!





Garrett LOVES cake!

some new ones of Braden

Braden in Garrett's new cowboy hat at G's birthday party.


Braden sucking his fingers ... just like daddy use to do when he was little.


Braden at bathtime.

Mommy trials ...

Ok ... what a day! I had both boys dr's appointments this morning (G's 2-year and B's 6month) and both were getting shots. This is never fun for any of us but I had never done both with shots before - to make it a little more difficult KP couldn't go and mom and dad are out of town so she couldn't come in and go with me either. Ok ... we get there -- late of course, which just has me in a little bit of a mood to start with. The kids are healthy and fine (thankfully) - B's enormous for his age (20lbs and 28" for a 6 month old is HUGE) and G has slowed down. In fact if G doens't start growing and gaining weight then B just might be bigger than him by next summer. So shots happen and both are in hysterics - I got them calmed and KP agreed to meet us for lunch. I had both boys in the car and had the car running and then I hopped out to fix Garretts pull-down visor over his windown and the blankeyt-blank door clicker thing LOCKED THE DOORS. I had BOTH kids in their car seats locked in the car and there I was standing OUTSIDE the car stunned just looking at them. I honestly didn't know what to do. So I called KP and, of course, he didn't answer his phone - I called him several times and when I finally got him to answer I used language I have had to ask both him and God for some serious forgiveness for using (I don't think I've ever used those particular words before and not sure where they came from but boy they were flying on the phone). Not a shining moment for me. Anyway, KP was going to come to us (not sure what he was going to do) and then I called the police. They were there in minutes and had the door right opened - the boys were fine. I'm still shaken by the whole thing - not the least of which is how easily I lost my total composure.

I think what makes it worse is that when I go to the dr and they ask what all the kids are doing and there is an area that they aren't where they should be then I take than on myself. I should be doing more with them and they wouldn't be behind in that area. For instance, Braden is rolling from back to stomach (in his crib using the sides for leverage) but isn't rolling over by himself and isn't going both ways which is what he should be doing --- if I spent more time with him in the floor doing tummy time he would be able to do that. And G has started lying about poopy diapers causing him to get diaper rash (this is very new - he use to bring me a new diaper when one got dirty) and this has become a big problem - the reason is probably because of me- he's asserting himself and it's hurting him. SO I've, in essence, created this problem as well. Then we're having some aggression from G toward B (he's scratching at B's face - more specifically his eyes for some reason) and this is about pushing me toward the edge and I'm not always handling that as well as I should. So ... like I said I typically leave the dr's office feeling like a total failure anyway and then I locked the kids in the running car in the parking lot in the middle of July in Alabama. I could have just crawled under a rock.

On another note I have taken a step toward fixing one thing I feel not so great about and really hope this pans out. I feel even worse for admitting this out loud but here goes ... motherhood ins't what I envisioned. I honestly thought these little wonderful creatures would be an amazing addition TO my life not BE my life. See I was working in my field - running a special ed program and had an amazingly flexible schedule. I had turned down my phd twice and had been left with an open invite to come do it whenever I wanted and that my professor would find me a job at he DOE as well and comp my tuition for my degree and get me started teaching grad classes (teaching college is something I've always wanted to do). I was where I wanted to be career-wise when we started this little adventure. Then things started taking turns I didn't see coming (some might call that God getting involved) - KP lost his job, then we relocated here (which I love B'ham but I still didn't see this coming) and now I am a stay-at-home mom (which I never planned to be). So now I am totally unemployeed and my entire existance has been reduced to my home and my kids. A good thing, yes -- but still it is a HUGE adjustment for me. Yes, I could go back and teach in a classroom but honestly I don't know if I could make enough part-time to cover childcare for 2 small kids and most systems don't hire part-time teachers and we dont' want me to go full-time until we can get Garrett in school. Also I don't konw anyone so getting in the door is much harder than it sounds, especially when I am looking for something not so in the normal vein. Also, and this sounds horrid but I don't want to spend the next 20 years locked in a classroom - I LOVED running that program and that's really kind of what I want to do again and that's not a hire off the street kind of thing. So anyway, I met a new mom-friend and she works with a local non-profit and encouraged me to contact one of the non-profits and I did and they've asked for my resume. They mainly deal with children with health-related issues so I am not so sure how my experience will mesh with them, but it's worth a shot. I don't know if this will turn into something or not - I guess that's up to God and not me - but it feels good to know my resume is in order and I have at least gotten started looking for something at least on a consultative basis. I guess the bottom line for me is that I feel like I have been reduced to something that could easily be replaced by a nanny and a maid - I clean, I cook, I grocery shop, I change a thousand diapers, I wash clothes, I transport kids to playdates and other activities but I've gotten lost in here somewhere. I am feeling like I don't exist much anymore.

Well, the kiddies are down and I think I will join them. Today has taken it out of me.
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Birthday weekend fun

Well, we have one more action-filled weekend ahead of us and then I think things can slow down a bit. Garrett is turning 2 on Sunday and we are having a good bit of family (around 15 people) here to help him celebrate. This has prompted KP and I to work like fools on this house for the last month(+) trying to get everything done we could think of so that it looks nice when everyone is here. We have done more landscaping and working outside than I have in a while and it is looking really nice ... which is saying something as we are in the midst of a nasty drought so watering only happens twice a week and in certain hours.

On Wednesday I hosted Garrett's playgroup here at the house for a birthday party (6 2-year olds and 2 under a year ... we would have had more but 3 kids couldn't make it). We had a blast. I had t-shirts to decorate (moms' mostly did that one since the kids were all 2 and the t-shirt paint is permanent but the kids did pick the stamps and colors for their shirts), fingerpainting outside, a kiddie pool and lots of outside toys for the kiddos. The kids ran around like little maniacs and then ate all the pizza and cupcakes they could hold and passed out on the way home. All in all it was a great day. I will post some pictures of Garrett and his new t-shirts from the party ... unfortunately I forgot to take many pictures during the party as I was a little sidetracked with all that was going on. Oohh well.

The kids are doing great - it's just hard to believe that G is 2 and B is 6 mos. Braden is the sweetest soul and really all he wants is to be fed, put down for his naps and then held and played with .. if you give him that he is the happiest baby around. G is pushing pretty hard right now - he's in that 2-year old thing. He likes to do the opposite of what I tell him adn then watch me for a reaction - I wish I could say that I handled it well but sometimes I really don't. I love him to pieces but there are times I could just pinch his little head off. I guess that's normal. I am just working on not reacting out of anger - it takes all I have some days.

Well, I'm off here to go mop downstairs and do another round of pick-up G's toys. If I have time I might try to mow the back yard this afternoon so KP doesn't have to do it tonight.

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Both of the boys

I took this one last week when mom came to visit. Garrett is such a good big brother!

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Braden pics

Here he is enjoying playing in his exersaucer.

As you can see he likes bathtime!

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Garrett's last day of school

Here is G getting ready to go to his last day of school. I'm not sure if he's happy to go to school or if the excitement is because it's the last time he'll go for a few months...
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G with boots

I love this picture -- he put his boots on the wrong feet and was just so cute and silly.

General updates ...

Well, another month is here and the boys are a little older(as we all are I suppose). The changes are so easy to see in Braden - it is almost like he changes daily sometimes. All of his birth hair has fallen out and he now looks like he has this little crew cut. He is trying to sit, and can when supported, and is really enjoying eating solids (he's a bit of an eater). He is growing so fast and that is something when mom can actually see it. I see it more in his clothes than anything - at not quite 5 months he's fully in 6-9month stuff and is coming out of some of that. He's a big boy - a little over 17lbs and 26" .. he has some baby fat but really he is just a big boy. Garrett is doing great - he is now out of "school" and we are enjoying the more lazy schedule of summer. We filled up his pool on the deck (it is a HUGE baby pool from his uncle Warren) and he plays in that most days and then today I got brave and took both boys to the neighborhood pool by myself. It was Braden's first time in a pool but I knew he'd love it because he loves his baths. Garrett was a little skiddish - the water was cold and much deeper than in his pool but he played on the steps and got in up to his chin a few times. Both of them are so worn out they are out cold. Garrett actually fell asleep in his high chair while eating his lunch ... I just picked him up and took him onto bed. It was really cute in a pitiful kind of way.

On other fronts things are just going right along for us. Kevin's job situation has settled - they just moved him laterally to the new company (the surgery division of Healthsouth branched off to form their own company and he was moved as well). It should be a good thing for him - he really likes the guy that heads up his division and Healthsouth IT is about to have some serious cut-backs (like a quarter of their staff will be let go). Neither of us were really ever worried - we've both just been praying for a good resolution for this situation knowing that God is in control of our lives and God provided the best possible outcome. He truly is amazing.

I am feeling a little more confident in my ability to raise these 2 wonderful little boys. I was a little nervous at first, especially with them being so close together but that is gone. Braden had a wonderful nighttime schedule but that has gone away in the last few weeks. He had this really bad cold(we all did) and was apparently teething at the same time (he's such a good baby I didn't even realize he was teething until they came in) and now his sleeping is all wonkered. I will get up once at night but not twice (he wants to eat at midnight and at 5am - I feed him and put him down at 8pm and he can go 8+ hours but for some reason doesn't want to do it overnight). So the battle of the wills ensues - I am determined to get him back on track and am only feeding him once and offering water the next time (he doesn't appreciate that and let's me know it) so I am hoping he will settle back into a routine soon. Sleep is such a big deal right now -- I feel like that's all I think about sometimes.

On a more personal note I am working on getting rid of ALLLLL of the baby weight I accumulated in teh last few years. 3 babies in 3 years took its toll. I am back to walking (couldn't go for a week because I was so sick but started back this morning) and am trying to get between 15-20 miles a week .. then I plan to up it to 20-25 a week. I go twice a day - once in the morning with the boys (Braden in a baby bjorn and G in a jogging stroller) and then again with Kevin and the dogs at night. The second time we go almost a mile but it is a stroll - the first I am moving as fast as I can and go a couple of miles. Hopefully, by the end of August I will have 15-20lbs off me --- my total goal is 30 pounds. I am doing this mainly for me - I don't like the way I feel when I'm this heavy and I hate the way I look and the way my body feels... also it will make me a healthier person(and with 2 small ones and me closing in on 40 that's a big deal).

That's about all that's going on over here.

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