It's been a while coming ...

Well, as I write this I am in the midst of making some personal changes for nobody but me. And I have to admit that most people in my world don't seem to understand them entirely. What am I doing? I am trying to 'get it together' ... how? By losing weight (lost 25 lbs since July and have 20 more to go to get where I want to be), exercising and doing a few other slightly asthetic things such as seeing a dermotologist. The truth is that I am not typically vain or fussy appearance-wise and I'm much more likely to leave the house with a slightly wet head and no make-up than I am to take the time to actually fix my hair and face so this IS a bit of a change. I have made a committment to myself to get my weight under control, get myself totally healthy and see if I can do anything (short of surgery and injections) to stop the march of time that is progressing across my face. The catalyst for all of this is that I am turning 40 in a few months, and, while I don't mind BEING 40 - I don't want to LOOK and FEEL 40.

Since I am being questioned so much about the changes I am making - and they are pretty big changes, I decided to figure out exactly why this was suddenly so important to me. This is what dawned on me ... I spent my 20's trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I had this life that was always in some sort of a mess (mostly from my own doing - i'll admit that) and I wanted to know why and make that stop. I spent a good deal of time in counseling and was able to kind of figure a few things out and as a result was able to find some inner peace, boundaries and stability (and these were not things anyone would have said of me in my early 20's). Then I turned 30 and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had not accomplished anything I thought I would have done by then. I wasn't married (was dating Kevin but for less than a year), I hadn't finished (or even started) grad school, my career was off the charts in no-where-land and I didn't have children and there were none on the horizon ... and I was 30. That got me motivated to get some things done - I applied to and 2.5 years later graduated from grad school with 2 Master's degrees, I got married at 32, my career changed drastically - took off and I LOVED what I was doing and at 35 I became pregnant with my first child. So here I am 39 having done all the things I was "supposed" to do and what was next?

Well, that's when I took a long hard look in the mirror and did NOT recognize the woman looking back at me ... literally - it didn't look like "me" anymore. So that's when this started. I began to walk and am now up to almost 30 miles a week. I started eating better and am feeling incredibly better than I was 5 months ago - much more energetic and happy. And I am losing the weight - only 20 more to go and I'll be back where I actually feel comfortable in my skin once again.

I have found that most people will "get" one thing I am doing but think another is too much. For instance my mom understands my desire to do preventative things to my face so that in 10 years people aren't asking me if I am Garrett and Braden's grandmother (one of the little joys of being a mother later in life) but really doesn't get my whole weight loss thing and thinks it's excessive (even though most of my life I weighed less than i currently want to weigh and I am under a dr's care and my "goal" weight is totally in the healthy range for my height). And then there's KP - he totally gets the weight loss but thinks the desire to do anything about my face (which isn't bad by the way .. my goal is to prevent it from getting bad) is just crazy. And then there's my friends, they think the things I am doing are great but the amount of exercise is just excessive (it's at least an hour a day - because I walk not run).

So I have decided I don't have to defend my decisions to anyone. Right now this is about me. I am taking care of my 2 very small children, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner and doing all the other stuff that comes with running a house and family - so I am not taking away anything from anyone. I am just chosing to focus some of my energy on me and toward getting me right and healthy. Also since I'll be in my late 50's when they both get out of high school (60's for college and who knows how old for marriage) I have to be around for a long time if I ever want to meet my grandchildren ...

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