Ok ... what a day! I had both boys dr's appointments this morning (G's 2-year and B's 6month) and both were getting shots. This is never fun for any of us but I had never done both with shots before - to make it a little more difficult KP couldn't go and mom and dad are out of town so she couldn't come in and go with me either. Ok ... we get there -- late of course, which just has me in a little bit of a mood to start with. The kids are healthy and fine (thankfully) - B's enormous for his age (20lbs and 28" for a 6 month old is HUGE) and G has slowed down. In fact if G doens't start growing and gaining weight then B just might be bigger than him by next summer. So shots happen and both are in hysterics - I got them calmed and KP agreed to meet us for lunch. I had both boys in the car and had the car running and then I hopped out to fix Garretts pull-down visor over his windown and the
blankeyt-blank door clicker thing LOCKED THE DOORS. I had BOTH kids in their car seats locked in the car and there I was standing OUTSIDE the car stunned just looking at them. I honestly didn't know what to do. So I called KP and, of course, he didn't answer his phone - I called him several times and when I finally got him to answer I used language I have had to ask both him and God for some serious forgiveness for using (I don't think I've ever used those particular words before and not sure where they came from but boy they were flying on the phone). Not a shining moment for me. Anyway, KP was going to come to us (not sure what he was going to do) and then I called the police. They were there in minutes and had the door right opened - the boys were fine. I'm still shaken by the whole thing - not the least of which is how easily I lost my total composure.
I think what makes it worse is that when I go to the dr and they ask what all the kids are doing and there is an area that they aren't where they should be then I take than on myself. I should be doing more with them and they wouldn't be behind in that area. For instance, Braden is rolling from back to stomach (in his crib using the sides for leverage) but isn't rolling over by himself and isn't going both ways which is what he should be doing --- if I spent more time with him in the floor doing tummy time he would be able to do that. And G has started lying about poopy diapers causing him to get diaper rash (this is very new - he use to bring me a new diaper when one got dirty) and this has become a big problem - the reason is probably because of me- he's asserting himself and it's hurting him. SO I've, in essence, created this problem as well. Then we're having some aggression from G toward B (he's scratching at B's face - more specifically his eyes for some reason) and this is about pushing me toward the edge and I'm not always handling that as well as I should. So ... like I said I typically leave the dr's office feeling like a total failure anyway and then I locked the kids in the running car in the parking lot in the middle of July in Alabama. I could have just crawled under a rock.
On another note I have taken a step toward fixing one thing I feel not so great about and really hope this pans out. I feel even worse for admitting this out loud but here goes ... motherhood ins't what I envisioned. I honestly thought these little wonderful creatures would be an amazing addition TO my life not
BE my life. See I was working in my field - running a special ed program and had an amazingly flexible schedule. I had turned down my phd twice and had been left with an open invite to come do it whenever I wanted and that my professor would find me a job at he DOE as well and comp my tuition for my degree and get me started teaching grad classes (teaching college is something I've always wanted to do). I was where I wanted to be career-wise when we started this little adventure. Then things started taking turns I didn't see coming (some might call that God getting involved) - KP lost his job, then we relocated here (which I love B'ham but I still didn't see this coming) and now I am a stay-at-home mom (which I never planned to be). So now I am totally unemployeed and my entire existance has been reduced to my home and my kids. A good thing, yes -- but still it is a HUGE adjustment for me. Yes, I could go back and teach in a classroom but honestly I don't know if I could make enough part-time to cover childcare for 2 small kids and most systems don't hire part-time teachers and we dont' want me to go full-time until we can get Garrett in school. Also I don't konw anyone so getting in the door is much harder than it sounds, especially when I am looking for something not so in the normal vein. Also, and this sounds horrid but I don't want to spend the next 20 years locked in a classroom - I LOVED running that program and that's really kind of what I want to do again and that's not a hire off the street kind of thing. So anyway, I met a new mom-friend and she works with a local non-profit and encouraged me to contact one of the non-profits and I did and they've asked for my resume. They mainly deal with children with health-related issues so I am not so sure how my experience will mesh with them, but it's worth a shot. I don't know if this will turn into something or not - I guess that's up to God and not me - but it feels good to know my resume is in order and I have at least gotten started looking for something at least on a consultative basis. I guess the bottom line for me is that I feel like I have been reduced to something that could easily be replaced by a nanny and a maid - I clean, I cook, I grocery shop, I change a thousand diapers, I wash clothes, I transport kids to playdates and other activities but I've gotten lost in here somewhere. I am feeling like I don't exist much anymore.
Well, the kiddies are down and I think I will join them. Today has taken it out of me.
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