Fear creeping in ....

I find myself in a rather out of sorts mood today. Actually, it has been this way since I left the ultrasound on thursday. It's not that something is wrong with the baby - everything looked fine; it's that I am now unsure of his age/gestation and am worried/fearful that the monitoring we will be doing will come too late. Since he measured so big and 3 weeks older than we thought this means that we might have figured the date wrong, and since we aren't going to start heavy monitoring until what we thought was 34 weeks it might actually be closer to 37 weeks. The problem with this is that my history is that my placenta's age more rapidly than they should and this is when mine started calcifying while pregnant with Garrett.

I know this shouldn't worry me like it is - I know that all I should have to do is talk to my dr on monday at my appt. The problem is that I have found that many times OB's tend to minimalize fears (even when there is valid concern) and I don't want to have to face this. I know I am beginning to fight a battle I could possibly not even encounter but my experience with this woman is that she tends to quote AMA or Obstetrics guidelines and not really individualize care plans. Unfortunately, this is the only perinatologist game in town and that's why I am there (where as in Atl there were several practices - in a smaller town you don't get that option).

The problem is that I am actually wanting this baby - I am checked in and really looking forward to meeting him. And to be honest I don't know if I have the strengh to bury another child. So the bottom line here is ... I am being fearful. I have been praying about it, praying for grace to get through each day, praying for peace, knowing I need to let it go and give it totally over to Father God so HE can unfold this under His will - I know all of this and I am praying all of this but for some reason it keeps coming.

Wow! What a bummer of a day! I think I'm going to go get some quite time while Garrett's down and see if I can get in a better frame of mind so I can be a good mom to my little guy.

a

In count down mode ...

Well ... time sure does fly sometimes. I am 8 weeks away from induction today and to be honest I am ready. Tomorrow I am having a level 2 ultrasound to just check things out since we haven't had one in a while and I have been having some contractions (some are just the braxton-hicks but some are the real deal). I am really not worried about it - it's is funny the peace I have had through this entire pregnancy. I have no doubt in my mind that God is governing this whole thing and he is the one that is giving that to me daily. I just have this very strong feeling that all will be well and so I am just not getting to anxious about anything.

On a related note I read an article recently done on maternal stress and the baby. Now this one was studying animals, not humans, but they are wondering if the conclusions could be similiar. They found that when a pregnant mother undergoes prolonged periods of high stress conditions during pregnancy that the child (after birth) has higher tendancies toward fearfulness and is more easily affected by stress. This really made me think. I mean it has crossed my mind more than once (and apparently my mom's as well as she has said so several times) that as stressed as I was during pregnancy with Garrett if it caused some of his issues for the first few months of life (he had horrible reflux with projectile vomiting requiring meds at 2 weeks and then had months of colic-like behavior until almost 4 months). I know that the stress I was under, while understandable, could not have been good for him. It just made me wonder - not that there is anything I could have done differently as the situation was what it was right then. Just food for thought ... hopefully this one will be a little more laid-back.

On another note, Kevin and I watched a tv show that really hit home with us last week. It was Grey's Anatomy and one of the plot lines was a woman in her late 3rd trimester comes into the hospital for one thing, but they discover that her son has died (stillborn). They went through the dr's reaction, having to tell her, delivering the baby and holding him afterward. Man, was that difficult to watch. I was in tears most of the time, as was Kevin. Now we knew that this was going to be addressed in this particular show, so we weren't caught off guard so that was good. Kevin paused the TV after that segment was over and told me that he was proud of us for getting through that with Jeryd. That many couples don't survive the death of a child and how he was so incredilbly happy that we pulled together and got through it. I told him that I directly credit him for that as I was truly ready to just roll over and give up when I finally absorbed that our son had died, but he wouldn't let me. What KP did at the time was sit me down and tell me that as long as we stuck together we could survive this but if we didn't then neither of us would ever make it - that he needed me to not check-out and neither would he. I completely feel that God had us in his hands right then and lead Kevin to say those things to me and he gave us the strength to manage that pain. 2 and a half years later and I still just break down when anything gets too near to that spot in me -- grief is interesting.

Well, I should run. Need to take care of a few things while Garrett is napping.

a

Happy Halloween!

Our little family on Halloween night


Our front door on Halloween

Family Halloween Pictures

Halloween pictures

The holidays are on their way ...

Well, it's November 1st and last night was our first Halloween in this neighborhood and it was the best time. Several people organize an annual Halloween parade through the neighborhood where all of the kids dress up and adults bring something to eat (typically cookies, cake etc) and a couple of the families provide hotdogs and drinks and everyone marches through the neighborhood to the end house and has a block party-type dinner and then off to trick-or-treat. It was so much fun to watch all of the kids run around ... I knew we had a LOT of kids but I ddin't realize we had that many. We had at least 75 trick-or-treaters and went through SOOOOOO much candy. Garrett was dressed as a basset hound and he had a ball running around like a little wild man. We all had so much fun.

I have officially scheduled my induction date for January 10 ... provided we don't have to go sooner. While KP is pulling for a delivery before the new year strikes (tax deduction) I am just pulling for after Christmas (and healthy and alive of course). We pretty much have Braden (that's his name - we're still in debate mode for the middle name) room ready and are just working on the mural on his wall. Jill (my sister-in-law) is an incredible painter and is going to come help us get that finished soon.

As the holidays approach and my pregnancy grows I have had to let mom know that we won't be driving to Atlanta anytime after Thanksgiving. She is taking that pretty well and I think she's thinking of them coming here. That would be great. So we'll go to her house on Thanksgiving and come home the day after and then be home for the rest of the holiday season. I am excited about not traveling at all this year - I am already uncomfortable and can just imagine how it will feel when I am bigger and also taking care of Garrett the entire time.

On another note brother and Amy seem to be learning their way with Miss Avery. She's 3 weeks old and I think they are starting to hit some sort of rhythm. They are doing a lot of the typical first time parent things - stressing (really really really stressing) every little decision to the point of beating the horse beyond recognition. I have reassured brother that as long as they love her, feed her at least every couple of hours and hold her some they can't do any damage .. I wish they could relax and enjoy her instead of feeling guilty about putting her down, giving her a pacifier (which they didnt' do for weeks and boy was that a rough couple of weeks for all of them) and any other number of things. I guess with time. I am just practicing nodding and saying "hhmmmmm" when he calls with the latest issue - my main response is to encourage him to call his peditrician (they are reading one book and taking it as the "bible" of babydom - I pointed out that there are more perspectives and opinoins on baby raising and they should read a variety of sources and consult their dr) ... and Andi says "hhmmmm" as she nods.

Well, going to to take advantage of Garrett being down for his afternoon nap and get a few things done. I'll post some pictures from last night.

a